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Sunday, November 3, 2024

AUTOBIOGRAPHY/UNDERSTANDING OF CALLING, Life of the mind and the gift of hardship

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AUTOBIOGRAPHY/UNDERSTANDING OF CALLING

 

Life of the mind and the gift of hardship

 

by

 

Darrell Wolfe

 

 

 

 

Submitted in partial fulfillment of the requirements

for the course SF509: Formation for Theological Studies

 

Professor Kristin Huffman

 

 

Sunday, November 3, 2024


 

INTRODUCTION

            The following is a reflection of my journey, my unique contexts, and my strengths and gifts – all of which play a role in my story and my sense of calling.

REFLECTION OF JOURNEY

As my personal timeline was laid out before me, a realization dawned that was both subtle and profound. My formative years were hard, painful, and confusing. My young adult years were harder, more painful, and more confusing. I am intimately aware of the many painful moments and how they shaped me; I use those stories often when working with others through their painful moments. I am reminded of a ubiquitous social media meme, “Trauma didn’t make me stronger, it gave me dark humor and unhealthy coping mechanisms”.[1] I eventually healed from many of those and I’m still unlearning others; however, the trauma gave me a sense of realism and non-fake-ness that others appreciate. Several folks have commented on how they don’t have to put on mask when working with me (like watching their language) – which is all too common in US-American Churchianity.

Yet, I was surprised by how many non-painful or not-as-painful moments dotted my personal timeline in those early years. Even in those sad and hard years, I can look backward and see Yahweh guiding and providing –through access to mentors, successful businesspeople, and quirky or unusual men and women of God. At one point, I was given direct access to the executive leadership at a major bank, and recently he’s given me an inside view of an elected official’s inner workings. I was given access to leaders (both great and awful leaders) inside and outside of the Church. Throughout the journey, Yahweh has shown me his nature, mind, heart, and ways of operation, bringing me closer to him and to his human imagers. On many occasions in many jobs with many leaders, I’ve sat in a one-on-one meeting with my manager that was intended to be about my job performance but ended up taking a pastoral or counselor role for that manager as they went through hard things. HaRuach HaKodesh (The Holy Spirit) moved on these leaders such that they often spontaneously shared their pain – often surprising themselves to be doing so. I’ve come to recognize it when Ruach is leading in these moments.

All these preparation seasons were followed by a season of profound personal death (both literal for my late-wife, Flavia, and metaphorical for me). In many ways, my darkest nights of the soul (ages 36-40) became the furnace in which I was burned to ashes and reborn.[2] Like the mythological Phoenix, or Yeshua himself, I rose from the ashes with a new lease on life. Suddenly, while some new hard and painful moments still dotted the remaining timeline, most of them took on a different tenor; the nature of the hard moments was different somehow. The timeline also exploded with positives, or at least neutrals after 2019.

Greene-McCreight notes, “I think that people who are engaged in psychotherapy, if they work hard with the right therapist, cannot help but come out the other end of depression changed.”[3] This was my experience. I count myself extremely lucky to have worked with two world-class counselors since 2016; both of whom helped me become a “fully integrated” human imager. While I remain connected to my second counselor for regular check-ins – like getting my emotional oil changed, it was the end of 2019 that my breakthrough hit in the oddest way.

After years of dealing with some really big things in the counselor’s office, I had this one nagging memory that didn’t feel like a ‘big deal’. Jana (the counselor) said, “It’s usually the things that don’t seem like a big deal that we should be working on.” So, we set out to do Lifespan Integration Therapy techniques on this memory. In what is otherwise an innocuous memory of a fifth grader who skipped school, I had internalized that I should run far and fast from hard things. We thanked 10-year Darrell for protecting me but assured him that I’m an adult now and I can take it from here. While it felt healing to have that moment, it did not feel “profound”. The moment passed without fanfare, or fireworks, or sudden blasts of “Aha!”. Yet, I woke up a week later realizing that over 20-years of depression was gone. It was simply – Gone! When I’m tempted to run away from hard things today, I can look at that moment, turn back to the hard thing, and stand.

Now I’ve followed Yahweh into seminary – a place I swore since childhood I would never be. Today, he is teaching me how to lead-well within my context. For most of my life, I took seriously the warning, “not many should become teachers” (James 3:1).[4] I knew I was emotionally weak and vulnerable, prone to mood swings, and unable to sustain momentum. I would volunteer for a season, feel a pressure of some kind that I could never quite explain, then to the bewilderment of those around me I would jump ship. I “needed milk because I couldn’t handle meat” (Hebrews 5:12), and that was true for many years.

The dark nights of my soul forged me into someone who can handle tough things. Getting my Autism and ADHD (AuDHD) diagnosis helped me understand things like sensory overload, which allowed me to carve out space in my life and schedule to work with my uniqueness. These have resulted in my capacity to lead, teach, and guide in new ways. Getting my bachelor’s in general Christian studies allowed me to learn a healthier relationship with Yahweh and the Bible. I found shalom (שָׁלוֹם) in my relationship with Yahweh, and with my wrestling with some Bible questions.

In many ways, this current season is marked by “you ought to be teachers by this time” (Hebrews 5:12), and so I am tentatively taking steps into that space. Due to experiences from my own past and formative years, I avoided any roles that felt like a church leader. These days, I am beginning to accept that role as he provides me opportunities to step into it. Most of my work today is through one-on-one work with others like me – those who have questions. We shall see what the future holds. As I walk into this next season, I am also aware of how my contexts have shaped who I am and what I bring into those one-on-one fireside chats.

PERSONAL CONTEXT(S)

I was raised a white middle-class male by two white educated parents. My dad was a Doctor of Ministry, one uncle was a PhD in Psychology, another uncle was a high school dropout but built a million-dollar painting business. My mom was a union nurse who went back to get more education and became a nursing educator for the CalState University system.

All of this led me to expect many things from life, which is why I was frustrated when I spent six years in city college and couldn’t seem to find a major or finish a degree (1998-2004). I was even more frustrated when I became homeless with a wife and 9-month-old (2006). I grew bitter as my life continued into poverty for most of my adult years. Only in my forties did I finally “break even” financially. Why could my family seem to succeed but I couldn’t?

Then I learned that I have the “inattentive” presentation of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) which is a cognitive processing disorder, and that my constant struggle to handle social pressure (which blocked me from many promotions) was related to level 1 Autism spectrum disorder. It was as though this AuDHD diagnosis snapped everything into focus and all my ‘failure-to-launch’ suddenly made sense.

Meanwhile, counseling related to grief and codependency and family addiction trauma gave me new tools to “handle hard stuff”. It gave me grace for myself (accepting that today is enough, and I don’t have to accomplish everything I once thought I should), and it gave me the capacity to sit with others in their hard stuff (as my dopamine reserves allow). I also bring my widower journey with me, and my recovery from a mental health crisis.

I bring all of this with me into my studies, my perspectives, my worldviews, and my interactions with people. There are positives and drawbacks to each of those for my calling. Part of becoming an “integrated human”, as my counselor once calls, is to accept that all those things are true and own them. So, if these hard things are part of my context, what strengths do I bring to the table?

STRENGTHSFINDER INSIGHTS

I first took CliftonStrengths in 2014 at the beginning of a long process of personal and religious Deconstruction. Several pivotal, traumatic, life-altering events have taken place between 2014 and 2024. The cumulative effects of these are a profound shift in my personality. No small part of that shift was due to “de-masking” after the AuDHD diagnosis; seeking my authentic self behind neurodivergent masks originally created to live in a neurotypical world.

So, I decided to take this opportunity to re-take the CliftonStrengths. While my results shifted slightly between 2014 and 2024 in some important ways, my patterns remain centered around the life of the mind. My happy place is at my desk or with my books, pouring over ideas, learning new information, and drawing out the contexts through a process of intellection and ideation to connect new dots between seemingly disparate ideas. The intellectual strengths pair with each other as dynamic duos, pulling more out of their combination.

Meanwhile, my life of the mind is balanced through paradoxical pairs. Context allows me to see all the “what ifs” and Strategic allows me to push forward without getting stuck in analysis. A need to achieve and cross off to-do lists – and – my need to make deep connections and relate to the minds of others, both pull me out of my own mind and connect me with the world around me. It is not enough to hold these ideas and connected-dots to myself, I must share them with others.

This leads me to the spiritual gift Yeshua uses in me to bring gifts to his people, “teaching”. διδασκαλία (didaskalia; teaching, instruction) - The act of teaching or instructing, focused on imparting knowledge or doctrine to others (Romans 12, Ephesians 4). It is when I’ve had hours, days, weeks, or sometimes years to dissect a topic or passage, break it down to its core elements, and fit it back together by connecting all the relevant dots that I begin helping others see those dots.

CONCLUSION

            The hardships, grief, trauma, and subsequent counseling left me with the capacity to be brutally vulnerable with others – a policy I call “No Hiding”. Getting my AuDHD diagnosis gave me the capacity to recognize my strengths and limitations, carving out space for the unique challenges I face as a neurodivergent navigating a neurotypical world. My strength-sets allow me to revel in the playground of the mind, which blend well with my autistic need to preserve energy and limit my exposure to sensory overload. For example, working from home two days a week has allowed me to stay engaged in my job without being overwhelmed by social interactions and harsh lights of the office environment. My Relator strength allows me to share my internal world with those who can meet me on that playground. My teaching gift allows me to share the insights from that life of the mind with a broader audience. For now, I am at Fuller learning both the academic skills to go deeper into that life of the mind while learning more about how my contexts play a role in that endeavor. Where we go from here is yet to be determined; it is enough for this season to “do justice, love kindness, and walk humbly with my God” (Micah 6:8).



[1] Darrell Wolfe, “Author’s Note:,” n.d., n.The meme is common, original citation unknown.

[2] Saint John of the Cross, The Dark Night of the Soul (La Noche Oscura Del Alma), trans. David Lewis (London: Thomas Baker, 1577).

[3] Kathryn Greene-McCreight, Darkness Is My Only Companion: A Christian Response to Mental Illness, Second edition. (Grand Rapids, MI: Brazos Press, 2015), 114, https://fuller.on.worldcat.org/oclc/904227520.

[4] The Lexham English Bible (LEB), Fourth Edition, Logo Bible Software., Harris, W. H., III, Ritzema, E., Brannan, R., Mangum, D., Dunham, J., Reimer, J. A., & Wierenga, M. (Eds.) (Bellingham, WA: Lexham Press, 2010), n. All Bible quotes from LEB, http://www.lexhampress.com.



Shalom שָׁלוֹם: Live Long and Prosper!
Darrell Wolfe
Storyteller | Writer | Thinker | Consultant | Freelancer | Bible Nerd *Written withs some editing and research assistance from ChatGPT-4o


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